The Gall

I didn't bother monitoring the SONA, knowing it would all be lies. But I couldn't help myself today and read some parts of it in inquirer.net (I could spare some energy for scorn today, i figured).

She didn't say some things, and i took the liberty to share what really goes on in her head.

***

I address you today at a crucial moment in world history.

Just a few months ago, we ended 2007 with the strongest economic growth in a generation. Inflation was low, the peso strong and a million new jobs were created. We were all looking to a better, brighter future. (And I was looking to get away with the NBN deal plus many others but damn that Jedi).

"Neither we nor anyone else in the world expected this day to come so soon but we prepared for it. For the guts not to flinch in the face of tough choices, I thank God (Actually I thank the Devil but we are a Catholic country and i must pander to the Catholic Church so it would be scandalous to say that).

For the wisdom to recognize how needed you are, I thank, you Congress. For footing the bill, I thank the taxpayers." (And helping me get away with murder again, I thank my friends on my payroll who have been covering up for me all these years).


"How do we solve these many complex challenges?" (At this point, I will regale them with my economic know-how, mixed here and there with my so-called compassion to appeal to their hearts).


The result has been, on the one hand, ito ang nakasalba sa bayan; and, on the other, more unpopularity for myself in the opinion polls. Yet, even unfriendly polls show self-rated poverty down to its 20-year low in 2007." (My numbers of course, come from the same people who counted my non-votes).

"Nag-aalala ako para sa naka-aawang maybahay na pasan ang pananagutan para sa buong pamilya. Nag-aalala ako para sa magsasakang nasa unang hanay ng pambansang produksyon ng pagkain ngunit nagsisikap pakanin ang pamilya. I care for hardworking students soon to graduate and wanting to see hope of good job and a career prospect here at home." (I say this with barely contained insincerity).

Edwin Bandila, 48 years old, of Ugalingan, Carmen, North Cotabato, cultivated one hectare and harvested 35 cavans. Thirteen years na ginawa iyong Malmar. In my first State of the Nation Address, sabi ko kung hindi matapos iyon sa Setyembre ay kakanselahin ko ang kontrata, papapasukin ko ang engineering brigade, natapos nila. With Malamar, now he cultivates five hectares and produces 97 cavans per hectare. Mabuhay, Edwin! VAT will complete the San Roque-Agno River project. (My tactic has always been to drop the names of the hoi polloi and pretend that I know them and are one with them in their triumphs. I think it works, but that's just me).

Sa sunod na katas ng VAT, may P1 billion na pambayad ng kuryente ng mahihirap; kalahating bilyon para sa matatandang di sakop ng SSS o GSIS; kalahating bilyong kapital para sa pamilya ng mga namamasada; kalahating bilyon upang mapataas ang kakayahan at equipment ng mga munting ospital sa mga lalawigan. At para sa mga kalamidad, angkop na halaga. (Of course for all my efforts it is only right that some of those VAT billions go to me).

We released P1 billion for the victims of typhoon Frank. We support a supplemental Western Visayas calamity budget from VAT proceeds, as a tribute to the likes of Rodney Berdin, age 13, of Barangay Rombang, Belison, Antique, who saved his mother, brother and sister from the raging waters of Sibalom River. (Here I drop names of the masa again, for more effect).

Mula sa buwang ito, wala nang income tax ang sumusweldo ng P200,000 o mas mababa sa isang taon - P12 billion na bawas-buwis para sa maralita at middle class. Maraming salamat, Congress. ( 10 more mentions of Congress and then I would have reached my quota for my friends in Congress. I hope they are noticing it).

"The Land Bank has quadrupled loans for farmers and fisherfolk. That is fact not fiction. Check it. For more effective credit utilization, I instructed DA to revitalize farmers cooperatives." (This line I must say it with righteous indignation lest they still think of questioning my numbers).

To our investors, thank you for your valuable role in our development. I invite you to invest not only in factories and services, but in profitable infrastructure, following the formula for the Tarlac-Pangasinan-La Union Expressway. (I invite you to invest directly with the Office of the President so I can "grow" your money, and mine).

"I ask business and civil society to continue to work for a socially equitable, economically viable balance of interests. Mining companies should ensure that host communities benefit substantively from their investments, and with no environmental damage from operations" (Because God knows, I do much damage already).


"I call on all our government workers at the national and local levels to be more responsive and accountable to the people. (Kayo na lang, kasi ako di ko keri yang mga ganyan).

We are three branches but one government. We have our disagreements; we each have hopes, and ambitions that drive and divide us, be they personal, ethnic, religious and cultural. But we are one nation with one fate. (And your fate lies with me *insert evil wicked witch of the west laugh* and if I can extend that fate beyond 2010, i will!)

"As your President, I care too much about this nation to let anyone stand in the way of our people's wellbeing. Hindi ko papayagang humadlang ang sinuman sa pag-unlad at pagsagana ng taong bayan. I will let no one - and no one's political plans - threaten our nation's survival." (Unless they tamper with my survival of course. Damn that Jedi talaga).

Our country and our people have never failed to be there for us. We must be there for them now
Maraming salamat. Magandang hapon sa inyong lahat. (Thank God this show is over, a little more of that expressed compassion I might gag in front of millions. I must ask my advisors next time if that much drama is really necessary).

***

And that this point, the country collectively sighs in gratefulness too that the great big show of lies and gall is over. Of course some people at home may have destroyed their TVs and radios, and then start a spirited discussion with their friends and family, wishing her bad, bad things.

And then they proceed to watch their afternoon soaps to erase that terrible memory of yet another useless State of the Nation Address.

I say the next one must be ended with a revolution.